“We’re Just Roommates Now” — 5 Gottman Strategies to Fall Back in Love After 20+ Years
If you're in your 40s, 50s, or 60s and your marriage feels... off, you're not alone. This is one of the most common times couples hit a wall. The kids are gone (or almost gone), careers are either peaking or winding down, and suddenly, it's just the two of you in the house again. The silence can be loud.
Many couples describe it the same way: "We're like roommates." "I feel lonely even when we're in the same room." "We don't fight much anymore... but there's no spark either."
This is midlife marriage drift, and it's incredibly common.
Why Midlife Is Such a Vulnerable Time for Marriage
After 15–30 years together, most couples have:
Survived the high-stress child-rearing years
Built careers and financial stability
Fallen into autopilot patterns
Accumulated years of small hurts, resentments, and unshared dreams
The parenting years often mask deeper issues. Once the kids leave, those issues rise to the surface, sometimes with a vengeance.
What John Gottman’s Research Reveals About Midlife Marriages
Dr. John Gottman’s 40+ years of research shows that the biggest predictor of divorce in midlife is not fighting too much, it's emotional disconnection and contempt.
Here are the most common patterns I see in midlife couples through the lens of Gottman’s work:
1. The Four Horsemen Have Moved In
Contempt (the #1 predictor of divorce) shows up as eye-rolling, sarcasm, mocking, or "jokes" that aren't funny.
Criticism becomes the default way of asking for change.
Stonewalling – shutting down and withdrawing (very common in men in midlife).
Defensiveness – meeting every complaint with "Well, you always..."
2. The Ratio Has Flipped
Happy couples maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict. In distressed midlife marriages, it often drops below 1:1.
3. Bids for Connection Are Being Missed
In midlife, bids become quieter: a sigh, a long pause, sharing an article, reaching for your hand in bed. When these small bids are repeatedly ignored, partners stop making them.
4. Perpetual Problems Have Hardened
About 69% of relationship problems are perpetual (personality differences, values, lifestyle preferences). In midlife, these gridlocked issues often center around:
How much time you spend together vs. apart
Sex and physical affection
Money and retirement planning
Involvement with adult children/grandkids
Health and aging
How to Turn It Around: Gottman’s Roadmap for Midlife Couples
1. Start with Gentleness (Gentle Startup)
Replace criticism with: "I feel ______ when ______. I need ______."
Example: Instead of: "You never want to do anything anymore!" Try: "I feel lonely and a bit rejected when we spend every evening on our phones. I need 20 minutes of real connection after dinner."
2. Rebuild Fondness and Admiration (The Best Antidote to Contempt)
Every day, express one specific thing you admire or appreciate. Make it personal and genuine.
Midlife examples:
"I love how patient you are with our grandkids."
"I'm proud of how you've handled the stress at work lately."
"Thank you for still opening the car door for me after 28 years."
3. Turn Towards Each Other Again
Respond to bids, even the small ones. Put down the phone. Make eye contact. Ask a follow-up question.
4. Have a "State of the Union" Meeting Weekly
Set aside 30–60 minutes once a week (Gottman calls this the weekly relationship check-in). Use the structure:
What went well this week?
What are you stressed about?
What do you need more of from me?
What's one thing I can do to make you feel loved?
5. Talk About Your Dreams – Not Just Problems
Midlife is when unfulfilled dreams resurface. Ask:
What do you want the next 10–20 years to look like?
What have you always wanted to do that we haven't done yet?
How do you want to feel in this next chapter of our life?
You’re Not Too Late
Some of the strongest, most passionate marriages I see are between people in their 50s, 60s, and 70s who decided to do the repair work. Midlife isn't the end of your marriage story—it can be the beginning of the best chapter.
If this resonated with you, you're probably ready for change.
I'd love to help you and your partner rebuild the friendship, intimacy, and meaning you want in this next season of life.
You can reply to this email or schedule a time to talk.
You've already built a life together. Now it's time to build a relationship you both actually enjoy waking up to.
