Rekindling Your Marriage: Small Shifts, Big Love
What I’ve learned from 30 years of marriage—marriage isn’t always candlelight and butterflies. Sometimes, it looks a lot more like dishes in the sink, two ships passing in the night, or silent scrolling side by side in bed.
But here’s the thing: just because the spark has dimmed doesn’t mean it’s gone. It just might need a little tending.
Whether you’ve been married 5 years or 55, it’s totally normal to go through seasons where you feel disconnected, misunderstood, or stuck in autopilot. The good news? It doesn’t have to stay that way.
Today I want to share some powerful (and doable) ways to rekindle your marriage—straight from the research-backed work of Drs. John and Julie Gottman, pioneers in relationship science.
So, let’s roll up our sleeves and talk about how to breathe life back into your connection—without needing a couple’s retreat in Bali.
1. Start with the "Love Map" Check-In
Gottman talks a lot about Love Maps—basically, your mental map of your partner’s inner world. Their hopes, dreams, fears, stresses, the little stuff that matters most.
When life gets busy, we stop asking each other the small questions. So, let’s bring that curiosity back!
Here are a few to get you started:
What’s been on your mind lately?
If you could plan your perfect day, what would it look like?
Is there something you’ve been wanting to try or experience this year?
These check-ins don’t have to be long or dramatic. Think 10 minutes over coffee or before bed. It’s about turning toward each other again.
2. Make Bids—and Respond to Theirs
One of my favorite Gottman gems is the idea of “bids for connection.” These are those tiny moments where your partner reaches out—a joke, a glance, a sigh, a “look at this funny video”—and you either turn toward, turn away, or turn against it.
Turning toward is where the magic happens. It’s how emotional connection is built over time.
Try this:
When your partner comments on their day, pause and really listen.
When they show you something random, engage—even briefly.
And when you make a bid, notice how they respond.
The goal isn’t perfection. It’s about choosing connection in the small moments, over and over again.
3. Say Thank You More Than You Complain
It’s easy to fall into a pattern of pointing out what’s not working. But appreciation? That stuff is relationship gold.
Strong couples have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict. That means for every eye-roll or sharp word, there are five kind, affirming ones.
Try this:
“Thanks for handling dinner—I know it’s been a long day.”
“I really admire how you care for our family.”
“You still make me laugh like you did when we were dating.”
These small affirmations build emotional safety, which is the foundation for deeper connection.
4. Schedule Time for Just the Two of You (Yes, Schedule It)
I know. It sounds unromantic to put “quality time” on the calendar. But guess what? Real-life romance needs structure sometimes.
Pick one night a week where it’s just the two of you. No kids, no work talk, no errands. Just reconnection.
It can be:
A walk after dinner
Playing a game together
Cooking something new
Watching a show you both love
Asking deep questions over wine
You don’t need to reinvent the wheel. You just need to show up.
5. Have Conflict? Fight Fair.
All couples argue. But it’s how you argue that makes the difference.
The Gottman Method teaches the importance of:
Soft start-ups (beginning a conversation with calm, not criticism)
Repair attempts (a joke, a pause, a kind word mid-conflict)
Taking breaks when overwhelmed (physiological flooding is real!)
Accepting influence from each other
It’s not about avoiding conflict—it’s about staying on the same team while working through it.
A Final Thought from Me to You…
I’ve been married for a while, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: you don’t fall back in love by accident. It’s the little choices, made consistently, that create the warmth and spark we all crave.
So if things feel a little off right now, don’t panic. You’re not broken, and neither is your marriage. You just need to reconnect—and that starts with intention, curiosity, and maybe a few deep breaths.
If you want more support, encouragement, or simple tools to bring more joy and connection into your relationship, I’ve got your back. 💛
Let’s light that spark again. Together.