The Woman I Left Behind

On the way home from a retreat this summer, I sat in the back of an Uber and cried over a woman I hadn't seen in decades.

She was me.

I remembered her from my 20s. She was creative, loving, soft, nurturing, free-spirited, open-hearted, fun, playful, and adventurous. People used to call me a flower child, and I guess I was.

As I wrote about her in my journal, the tears ran down my face.

I missed her.

And I wanted her back.

Earlier that week, I had gone to a retreat centered around femininity. I went as part of the staff, ready to help out wherever I was needed. Little did I know it would become the springboard for what I now think of as my transformation season, not just in myself, but in how I show up in my business, my marriage, my relationships, my creativity, and my relationship with G-d.

For most of my adult life, I have been known as fierce, brave, competent, competitive, strong, and the “get it done girl.”

The girl who didn't ask for help but helped everyone else.

My motto was, “If I want something done, I'll just do it myself.”

And I did.

I truly believed that I could only count on myself. Somewhere in the back of my mind, asking for help meant weakness, and boy, did I not want to be perceived as weak.

I prided myself on being able to keep up with the guys. When I was cycling, I wanted to get to the top of the hardest hills before they did. I thought it was a badge of honor to push myself physically and mentally as hard as I could.

And that woman served me well.

She raised a family. She accomplished hard things. She built businesses. She made plans and followed through on them. She became someone other people could depend on.

I don't want to get rid of her.

But somewhere along the way, she became so good at running my life that another part of me got quieter and quieter.

Until that Uber ride home, when I realized how much I missed her.

Before I left for the retreat, I had already planned what would happen when I returned. I would launch my next workshop, schedule social media posts, being the podcast guest, and jump right back into the hustle.

I had my next three months of business planned out.

After all, that's what I was known for. I was the woman of schedules, planning, and action. I'm a coach who helps women define their businesses, make a plan, and take action. I was helping my clients do exactly that.

Then Monday morning came.

I sat down at my desk and opened my computer.

It was my designated “work time,” so I had to get to work.

But I didn't.

I just sat there.

Outside my office window, a couple of doves were playing in the fountain. They splashed in the water, flew away, and then came back to play some more.

I watched them for a while.

Doves plying in a fountain

And I wondered how I could bring more of that free spirit back into my own life.

I closed my laptop and walked away from my desk.

For most people, that probably wouldn't qualify as a radical act.

For me, it did.

Instead of asking myself what I needed to accomplish that day, I asked myself a different question:

“What do you really want to do?”

Inspired by the retreat, I knew I wanted more fun, creativity, romance, sensuality, and femininity in my life.

And strangely enough, I landed on a bedroom makeover.

Since we moved into our house over a year ago, our bedroom had been one of the untouched rooms. It still had massive holes in the plaster where the previous owner had hung their TV and other things.

It was far from romantic or sensual.

So for the next several weeks, instead of rushing into the next business project, I dove into the world of fabrics, textures, color, and design.

I created a digital vision board filled with rooms that had the feeling I wanted to create. I found myself drawn to deep, moody colors, brass, beautiful textures, chandeliers, candles, and soft lighting.

And I was having fun.

I was creating simply because I wanted to create.

The room is still a work in progress as I slowly source the right pieces, but something has already changed.

And I'm beginning to understand that it was never really about the bedroom.

It was about giving myself permission to want.

To create.

To play.

To choose beauty.

To stop measuring every hour by how productive I had been.

And maybe most importantly, to become curious about the parts of myself that I had pushed aside while I was so busy becoming strong.

This isn't a journey of getting rid of my masculine energy. I don't want to lose the fierce, brave, competent woman I've become. I love her.

But I am beginning to explore what happens when she isn't responsible for running the whole show.

What happens when I integrate that strength with the softer, creative, playful, open-hearted woman I remember?

What happens in my business?

What happens in my marriage when I stop automatically taking charge and begin making more room for receiving, desire, and polarity?

What happens to my creativity?

What happens in my relationship with myself?

And what happens in my relationship with G-d?

I don't have all the answers yet.

I'm living the questions.

And that's why I'm creating this series of blog posts to take you on the journey with me, not from the other side of it, but while I'm actually in it.

I'm finding my way back to that flower child, that free spirit, that young woman I remember from my 20s.

But I'm not trying to become her again.

I'm curious about who she is now, after all these years, when I allow her to stand beside the strong woman I've become.

And I can't help but wonder how many women like me have become so good at being strong, capable, and getting things done that we've forgotten there are other ways we're allowed to be.

Maybe there's a part of you that you've been missing, too.

I'm going to find out what happens when I make room for mine again.

This is the beginning.